Its a commonly accepted observation that the longer you leave something the harder it is to deal with it. So true on so many levels, the first of which is my blog.
The longer I left returning here, the more daunting the contemplation of where to start became. Its now a case of not what to write, but what to leave out. I like to use these pages more to document the thoughts in my head in reaction to things around me rather than the events themselves and to say that my headspace is getting all over the place and very disorganized of late is probably and understatement. Which could explain why I'm here; I always come crawling back sooner or later.
Although I can't quite comprehend the distance its been over three years now since I returned to work after the events that caused my couple of months off. Three years, already? In someways it barely feels more than a few months and in others, well its unfortunate to say it, but I doubt I'd recognize myself before that time when viewed from the perspective of the here and now.
Thats probably a bit of a lie to be truthful. The truth is more likely that I'd look at myself and hate myself when compared to the care free and untroubled person I like to think of myself as having been. I also like to think, in a reasuring manner, that its not been all bad, I suppose you could say I've developed self-awareness as a result of my troubles but that in itself is a double-edged blessing - knowing you're fucked up only means you're fucked up and you know it.
So if three years have passed, it must be about two years(?) or so since I gave up on counseling. It had reached a point where to go any further would have required me giving a lot more to the process and that meant dealing with thoughts and feelings I didn't want to approach. No, even here in the anonymity of blogdom I still keep my secrets, there are some thoughts and feelings that even here I struggle with admitting. Did someone say emotional retard???
The next step suggested was to be intensive psychotherapy, whether it would have benefited me I don't know or whether it was introduced as a junction point by my counselor to coerce me into a position where I either open up or make my own way back in the world alone I don't know. The fact that I think like that is either insightful of me or unwarranted paranoia - I lean toward paranoia because I'm not known for giving myself credit that often.
Anyway, a lot of those feelings that I don't want to explore are towards my parents. Suffice to say that what I try to leave visible on the surface is very black and white. The pictures held from inside the maximum security vault that is my skull are painted in billions of shades. Some vibrant, others dull and bleeding through into each other. Most of them though are distinctly grey.
I know I'm screwed and the more I experience life with this knowledge the more I'm able to see how my reactions whether expressed or not are coloured by the truth that I'm pretty messed up on some levels and it has shaped me whether I buried the feelings or not.
A though has just occurred to me, I'm generally paranoid that people might see me as 'flaky' or perhaps inconsistent (or would unfathomable be the correct description?) because my reasonings and opinions are my own and can be subject to which ever element of my personality is closer to the surface on any given day... If people were allowed to see beyond the withdrawn shell I show to others, would they understand better or truly see how deep the cracks run?
Its a thought, nothing more. Like I would ever be that, 'open'.
Anyway, what did I learn from my counseling? All manner of things, possibly the most prolific of which were the fact that, looking at the bigger picture that my footprint in the world was getting smaller and smaller as I was withdrawing from life and just how long this process had been occurring.
I would like to say things have changed, but on reflection for a while I might have been a little more talkative but now I keep myself to myself and thats that. I've always kept my family at arms length and this holds true even now, even with the pitiful few I will still talk to.
I talk to the people at work but do I connect with them? No. I have to admit I probably keep them at a distance so deliberately that it likely shows.
Anyway, back on track... The reason for a lot of my recent inner turmoils? A lot of questions I find myself wondering for the future and how to approach it.
I found last December that I'm going to be a father. Wonderful news for Shortstuff and I after a year of trying and lets be honest, its no small an event! Which is probably where a lot of my uncertainty and axieties of late have been coming from. Stress is stress, whether for good reasons or bad and as a person I can be very blind to the effects that it has until I do something random and compulsive and wonder why I was so vulnerable to the suggestion.
As great as the fact is though, it obviously plays a lot on my own experiences and I find myself wondering how I am going to answer certain questions and approach some situations in the future. Very, very tough questions I have to ask myself about how I'm going to handle certain scenarios.
Bean, which is the pet-name Shortstuff and I have for our unborn, will come into the world surrounded by a family that received the news with joy and he/she will be loved. Bean will have two parents, two uncles, an auntie and a cousin, two grandmothers and grandfathers, even two great-grandmothers (sadly his/her great-grandfather passed away a month or so after we broke the news) and there are plenty of other well-wishing friends and extended family in the mix too.
Its not a bad start in life is it? Better than a great many others get I'm sure and despite what I write here, on the surface in everyday life I do a bloody good impression 99% of the time of being normal. I'm determined that no matter how I see myself from the inside and no matter how utterly dead I am to some people, that Bean will get my love and care. Personally its probably the task I am best suited to; making silly noises is one of my specialties. I can't wait for the Lego phase either!
I just have to bear in mind a few potential landmines for the coming years ahead like what I do when Bean is old enough to realise and to ask questions - awkward ones like why he/she has two grandfathers and his/her cousin has three. Mercifully I have a good few years to think about that one!
I'm also not entirely keen on being called 'Dad' either, but Shortstuff doesn't seem too keen on the idea of just using my name. That said though, we only tend to use our names when talking about each other to other people, so she herself isn't used to calling me by my name! Not sure I like papa either... Suggestions on the back of the proverbial please.
I am looking forward to being viewed as someone special though. Its pretty pants when you reach that stage in life where you realise that the adults around you are just ordinary, flawed human beings like yourself; it'll be nice to exempt from that crushing revelation in someone eyes for a few years.
