In a rare break of form, I've decided to go against my usual habit of posting and disappearing again for months at a time.

Maybe perhaps that says something about how I am feeling of late? I seem to have plenty of things on my mind and not without justificationr. I'm just not certain that despite my willingness to sit here armed with the power of qwerty, that even a fraction of it will ever make the page – it never does, and thats despite the fact I can go on a bit at times!

What I leave out could fill chapters, not pages. But if I was working under the assumption that no one else would ever read it, then I wouldn't be writing it here for anyone to see would I? And with that in mind, I generally opt to steer clear of gratuitously excessive naval-gazing. That, and it does me no good either - the plaster may have cracks in it but if you cross your eyes and squint a bit...

Another truth is, I'm enjoying a lot of what I'm reading from other people's pages. While it may be that I am taciturn for months at a time, it is rare that I'm ever truly absent for long. And seeing as am I here anyway...

My mother.

Ugh.

I was almost tempted to start there but no, I'll let that one stew for a while longer and head to happier pastures.

Cot Mobiles!

We have a mobile for the cot of the little one. Purchased, constructed, attached and tested, all ready and waiting for her when she chooses to arrive. And I am in love with it.

It has little plush fishes hanging from it, it projects fishes and stars across the ceiling and plays harmonious tunes that I find soothing and compelling myself.

Coming home from a less than joyous day at work on Monday, I went and sat listening to the mobile for a short while to perk my spirits up a bit.

I think it reaches to a part of me that I keep very closely protected, the part of me that treasures the total innocence of the thing and the world that it represents.

I suspect that is one of the scariest aspects for me of becoming a parent is coming face-to-face with such utterly unspoilt, untainted life. If only life were as simple and as beautiful as such an object as a child's mobile eh?

Its almost, kind of heartbreaking(?) in a sense to know that those moments of total innocence and happiness will be fleeting and that soon enough life will intrude. I suppose, that one day life will shape my as yet unborn little one too and the glimpse of pure innocence will be gone there with time.

I guess I should be thankful for the 99% of me that can be cold and project a solid persona because the other 1% really isn't hard enough to cope with the realities of the world.

It is scary isn't it? Knowing that this little person whose feet I chase across the skin of Shortstuff's stomach will reach right through and find a heart I keep so closely defended.

I could go on, but perhaps this is enough.

Having tried to finish up neatly countless times and just erasing my words I'm just going to give up. It is indeed, enough for one day! The brain has stalled!