Whilst pointing out something to Shortstuff earlier tonight I punctuated the cleverness of my reasoning by saying, 'I am as bright as I am insane'.
Like most comments of flippancy that come out of my mouth it was more truthful than anything I ever say with total seriousness.
Now this remark can be interpreted in one of two ways -
1. Either I am not as smart as I think I am (and as I am compulsively self-depreciating I could be smarter than I allow myself the temptation of believing sometimes).
or
2. The statement was disturbingly on the money and I should book myself a padded cell without delay!
I'm going with the latter.
The more and more I have time to think and consider my behavior and reactions to stimuli, even (and especially) the unseen reactions that occur only inside my thoughts, the more and more I begin to suspect that my preoccupations could one day become inescapable delusions.
I'm not saying that I've concluded there is only one destination on this journey, but rather that I could be completely screwed in the long run if I cannot work through my demons and actually 'change' the way I'm programmed.
One day soon I think I will have to sit down and make a decision on how I want to go forward in this life. It may have been over a year(?) since I last saw my counsellor but I've not yet shaken the feeling that there is some unfinished business that needs to be addressed.
That said though, I tend to think theres a lot of unfinished business in my life generally.
