Monday 09-July-2007
If I said it had been too long, it would be an understatement. I would like to say its been for a lack of inner turmoil to express but it's closer to the truth to say that I just haven't made the effort.
Like a lot of things in life, my blog has become something its easier to not devote the time to than rather than get stuck in and work through my thoughts as I used to do. Some part of me would like to think I that by not writing, it equates to the same as having nothing to write about, but while I'm admitting to being lazy lets just agree that my issues haven't wafted off into the ether either.
But I'm working on the ignorance is bliss approach!
So, why the date at the top of this post? Quite simply, I've been dispatched on a training course to Derby and, what with sitting in my room this evening watching the television, I've finally got no excuse not to spare the time. I could read a book, watch a DVD or even go for an exploratory stroll outside but its time to finally itch the itch that has been bothering me and write again. When I get home, hopefully I'll just upload this and not scratch another potential post as I have done to a few in the past.
Where is my life at? In some ways, its not really evolved much from the last thing I wrote here but even if I have tried to fashion a bubble of protective constancy around myself, the world around me continues and inevitably some of that seeps through to affect me.
Its probably a bit too late to recount a lot of the past months and frankly I still remember that there was something I intended to write after my holiday to Fuerteventura last year that never got written. I've been again since and it's likely I will go again in a couple of months so, I guess, that means I've got procrastination down to a fine art. Ha!
But to recap in short (just to put a framework to my blathering) I am here training for a trainee position I have not yet been offered – so my employers are still assholes then! Nice to know that my secure little bubble has worked in some areas of my life. Thats too much bullshit for one barrel, so perhaps thats one story for another day
I'm still not married, I'm still getting my ear bent about it a lot and we're still not pregnant – something I really should get around to putting some effort into sometime! Its that old, been there, done that syndrome I think rather than something in my subconscious saying no on the sly. I've wanted children for a long time, biologically at least. It's like a craving that just wants to get my lineage out there, quite possibly thats a bit weird for a bloke but I'm now an uncle and meeting my niece for the first time was pretty cool.
Mentally I'm quite stable with the anxiety and the freaky compulsive behavior that it causes. I don't stretch my limits in that respect much, but I'm totally not paralyzed by them. The walls of the room are quite widely spaced of late.
If I was to consider it closely, I would hazard a guess that perhaps a lot of the way I am has been dictated in the past by hidden sets of rules that limit my exposure to situations liable to trigger such OCD reactions. Who knows? Perhaps as a defense mechanism it is so ingrained I wouldn't even recognize half of my behavior as being restrained between parameters.
Anyway, I've just been on a long phone call to Shortstuff and I've lost a bit impetus now, and well, I do rumble on a bit.
I'm still not smoking though!
That's seven months now, I still feel the urge to smoke but I can't face having to start from scratch again to beat this personal record!
