Thursday 12 July 2007

This is tragic.

Even in a relative vacuum of distractions I can't even seem to get my act together to get around to posting. Still that said, I was being sociable last night with a couple of other lads from the course I'm on. But tonight, no offense to them, I really didn't want to make conversation.

I don't know if I made the right decision. Maybe I should have made the effort, if only as a distraction to myself.

I'm so close to tears all the time of late. It's shocking but I barely made it through Home and Away today! The acting can't be that Oscar winning, so it has to be me.

I would say it is because of being here and the stress of being away somewhere alone for the first time in years. It was a stressful proposition for me I'll admit and I am really glad to be going home tomorrow before my behavior starts to show the strain. I'm getting anxious and I can see it, time to scurry back to my hole to recuperate before it begins to stick...

I would say it is being here... apart from the fact I've been feeling this way for some time. Something in the back of my head must be smoldering away and the notion of tears just sits behind my eyeballs a lot of the time.

The last seven months have been very stressful and I've never finished resolving all the err.. unresolved issues that counseling never cured either. But slowly, I am highlighting problems with the way I am and the way I act – almost like I'm starting to see the big picture. There aren't a lot of solutions yet, but I am waking up to a lot of the issues so that's at least something.

Anyway, I'm in danger of digressing...

Men cry, I know. But its a luxury I have rarely ever allowed myself. Yet again, I cling to the flaws that I treasure so greatly despite the fact that the very same flaws are often just the symptoms of my problems.

I can't even admit weakness to myself, it is so rare to even allow myself to acknowledge such weakness to myself in private. A fact, that considering it, is probably an even bigger weakness.

I'm a sad, messed-up case and by now I would have thought I would learned to have the bloody sense to allow myself to release the pressure. I would probably feel so much better for it but I do wonder though that if I break and cry I might not get back up again.

It has been said that I'm a strong person and that I've had to deal with a lot in my life; I wouldn't go that far. If ignoring my feelings and turning my heart to stone just to make it through the crap is being strong, then maybe I am. Its quite true that no-one can break me, I am impossible to grind down (until of course I turn on myself).

But in retrospect is being 'strong', my biggest weakness?

I know many people use their blogs just to vent, and the same is definitely true of me. For once though, I think that rather than just stirring up more matters in my mind, writing tonight seems to have distracted me and improved my mood.

Its good to talk um, write!