I would guess that I'm not alone here in thinking that the world has mad. Everyday the media in all its many guises paints the road map of our planet's future out in front of us and despite the tragic consequences that await us down that road, we all grumble and bemoan the situation and keep on heading that direction.
I also know that I'm not alone in feeling pretty damn powerless to prevent the outcomes of global warning and ecological destruction.

I'm not a tree hugging hippie or anything, in fact I realise I could do better and that sometimes I am part of the problem – I shouldn't drive to work every day but I do – but there is an enlightened part of me that really really wants to hurt politicians. Just keep fucking hitting them for their total lack of any sense of urgency – it's almost as if they acknowledge the problem will really become apparent in the next term of office, on someone else's shift and is therefore not their problem - They'll probably be quoted in sound bites blaming the present minister when they themselves have retired on the nice pension that the likes of my generation will never see.

It's like that saying 'never underestimate the stupidity of people in large numbers', all these educated people put into a huddle of reputation and media scrutiny and they become worthless sheep. Not one of them prepared to show a real spine and save the planet not their careers.

Anyway, I'll keep putting my cardboard and bottles out for the binmen and wondering what to do with the likes of ice-cream cartons until they overrun my kitchen and stop my ranting on that subject.

But back to me and the job discussions didn't go well in the end, that said, they didn't go badly either. In fact, who knows what happened there, because nothing much has happened since. Largely it was a non-event of sorts I guess.

I did manage to shit on the bosses' idea for my future role quite effectively. I did it more out of spite to my boss than any sense of strategic negotiation on my part and I've come to realise that most of my thoughts on the subject at mostly aimed against him rather than to benefit myself. Dangerous situation that, and I've often suspected I sabotage myself because perhaps I'm actually scared of being successful in any way.

I suggested programming as a way forward. I have since heard from someone else's conversation that the boss thought that would be a better place for me, so then why offer me a role in tech support? The man is a fucking halfwit and it really grates on me to suffer this imbecile when he's over sixty and could have retired and left us all in peace. He's already driven the department into the ground, is he just staying around to finish off the wounded because thats his orders from on high or because he's too stupid to realise that no one has any time or real respect for him???

Now, thanks to a few remarks in one of the meetings that wasted five hours(!) of my week for no reason, I've learned that they need someone ready to roll as a programmer, there aren't enough bodies left now to spare any time to train anyone else – which kind of rules me out I think. And me, I've heard nothing back from that job meeting yet.

I think I'll just have to back track and take the tech support job for whatever I can get and lump it – I just cannot find any enthusiasm for it. Then again, I cannot find any for a programming role or anything else that I could possibly wedge myself into. I do seem to have been utterly ruined for working at my company – nothing seems to appeal to me. The situation is near impossible and all the routes out of it lack appealing signposts.

I do wonder why I get out of bed. I think the answer is 'just because'. I could pay the bills on less money if I had to, but the comfort zone is too much security to just hand away. Even my future father-in-law has pointed out that you don't get that kind of money elsewhere around here, so I guess I only go to work for the money (and because I don't know any other way of being) which has kind of persuaded me to take anything the company offers and lump it.

There has to be something I'm missing here, has my life become so flat-lined and uneventful that its wearing me down or is it the job is so detestable that it has poisoned my entire life? I suspect its the latter, to the degree that I'm almost certain. I go to work where I do just because I know nothing else, I come home to a life that I could describe as contented but nothing else. There is nothing to my life of any consequence except my relationship with Shortstuff and I guess thats about all that keeps me going – without her for company I really would be adrift aimlessly.

I don't even have smoking to enjoy anymore! Its been fifty days I think and I'm managing although I've developed the kind of appetite that just won't quit. Even with these nicotine mints I'm nearly always lusting after eating something – it's going to drive me mad or back to smoking just to make it stop!

I think I need a direction.