Quite often I find myself writing here after a session with my counselor. It's like a place to come scribble down some of the sense I've made from a session, or more often than not, just vent some of the nonsense that has developed out of the discussion.

This time it's a touch different. I've just returned from a session having said my goodbyes and my thank you's and called it a day.

It been a bit of an informal decision that has been growing on me for a few days and so, ready or not, I've made a choice to try and get on with life and iron out the wrinkles with the passing of time.

I've been getting the impression that she was running out of directions to take me or looking for a specific focus to speed up progress, to be honest I'm not sure where I needed to be or down which path to really head and so, I've called an end to it.

I'm not healed and maybe never will be completely immune to my compulsive behaviors when faced with certain high stress triggers – looking back objectively, I don't think I ever was 100% free – but I'm in control most of the time and what little is left is generally harmless and unobtrusive. Maybe thats why I was generally quite neat in the first place?

The point is I'm alright most of the time and even when I'm not, a lot of it is kept inside my thoughts and dealt with there before being acted upon. Sometimes even I don't notice what used to drive me up the wall anymore and I now know that rarely does the reaction correlate to the real underlying problem – it took a while to accept that I wasn't going to get concrete answers to the whys – but even if it can't point me at the problem, at least I know now that it signifies that there 'is' a problem and something is getting under my skin.

In so many ways I've become immune or 'unlearnt' some of my reactions and as for all the other issues that may have formed the unstable basis on which everything else infected, I could have sessions on them for years to come and maybe be still none the wiser.

I think I've come around to the notion of just accepting a lot of things and will just have to find ways for the sometimes contradictory sides to the parts of my personality to live together. In time, perhaps I'll find that I am more one than the other in my opinions and things will nestle side by side more consistently. Maybe I am destined forever to be flawed in some outlooks and behavior and mellowed and flexible in others.

At least, if I ever start to disappear back down the plughole again, I've got a much more heightened sense of self-awareness to keep guard and sound the warning sooner.

It's been interesting, and I've squirmed through some uncomfortable sessions, but overall I judge the time to have been positive even if I have hardened my outer shell again more recently – I know a lot more about how I work and perhaps even why. I think I've begun rounding off a few of the sharp edges; I'll probably always be knife-edged from some angles and it probably doesn't help that a few of my flaws are treasured as part of the screen between me and the outside world but who doesn't have their flaws?

I could spend session after session opening up one can of worms after another and continue on like that endlessly however feeding my head with thoughts to brood over isn't exactly pro-active. Most of it I've kept bottled up for too many years but now I think that I'm happy enough to put it back in the cupboard out of sight of others and just remember where I've left it rather than ignore its existence.

I'm just going to accept that I'm a complicated sort of person and mindful of that, try just to get on with life.

I think I'm going to miss my counsellor though even though its been hard work at times.