Well, its Sunday night again which means back to the prison again tomorrow. Whoop-f'ing-eee.

Failed to find anything to do over the weekend apart from things to amuse myself with anyway, but the Girlfriend is coming along to meet my counselor on Wednesday so thats sorted despite me having no achievements to report. I could be glum about that but when I slip in and out of gloomy, retrospective moods throughout any given day anyway I'm not to disheartened. What's a little more frustration and angst in a year that frankly, I have no desire to live through again!

Now my Counsellor said that having my Girlfriend in on our meeting would be helpful in planning out steps for me to take, but part of me wonders whether after what I've said before, if she also wants to evaluate her too.

I bloody hope so! She could do with someone poking and proding her because part of me is convinced that she doesn't help the situation - she's a stress case and I get to wondering whether my anxious states are fueled by her dramas over every little thing.

Me, I 'was' a laid back sort, nothing phased me much and generally I couldn't have given a toss about anything. But sometimes you'll hear a scream or a yelp from downstairs and wonder who's died or whatever and its only something like the remote control has stopped working or something equally mundane. Makes me wonder if I've been changed be exposure over time or more likely something has been awakened by such exposure.

...I'm not in the best mood with her today in case you're wondering! lol

Frankly, I've had a bollocks-load of her saying I'm horrible all the time. I tease her sometimes sure, but I'm playing. But Horrible? To be honest, I don't think she knows what horrible is. I can't go shopping with her, she knows that, she should crawl out of her little self-centered world sometime and realise that no matter how much she doesn't like doing things on her own at the moment, she should count herself lucky that she can get away from me when she wants to - I'm stuck with me and my problems 24/7.

It used to be even when we did go out and do things, 2 seconds later she'd forgotten and it was 'we never do anything' or the old, I'm horrible crap again.

Now, maybe I should disappear to the pub every night..? Let her do all the housework because I do most of it and see how she likes it..? Perhaps I should shag around..? Maybe come in drunk and smack her about for a while..? Then perhaps she'd know what horrible really was.

Horrible, I think is having someone forever eating away at your esteem when you've not done anything.

That said, she did say I can be lovely sometimes. In fact, I've just realised thats the second compliment she's paid me in recent memory - before the last compliment a few weeks back, I've no idea when she'd last said anything nice.

It isn't that she goes out of her way to be deliberately nasty, its just that sometimes its just well, nothing either way.

I figure having written this far, that horrible must mean 'not being 'lovely'. So the normal scale of {horrible -> average -> lovely} obviously doesn't exist in her book; I would therefore be horrible everytime I wasn't being lovely.

Geez, its no wonder I stopped bothering to run round after her emotions a long time ago, obviously the stress of being the perfect 100% lovely, all the time boyfriend just wasn't worth it!

Certainly I'll admit I should probably detach myself from the keyboard more often and hang around downstairs in front of the idiot box with her more often, but again I guess I gave up on that too. Afterall, what thanks I might get is usually shortlived.

Please ignore me, I'm just venting steam. She's lovely herself mostly, its just today I'm particularly vexxed at being called horrible for no good reason. Heck, I don't even think there was a reason at all!